Big Ten Teams As Pieces of Gum I’ve Known

Nebraska: Nebraska is a piece of gum I shared with a girl in high school. When we kissed, I snuck the wad into her mouth. She didn’t flinch. Just chewed it, looking into my eyes. Four years later, I made that woman my wife. Love you, Mary.

Michigan: Everyone raved about this piece of gum. So I tried it. It was brittle and dry, and snapped in half in my mouth. Michigan is that gum you find in a pack of old baseball cards where none of the players added up to much. It was more valuable when it was first mass-distributed in the ‘70s.

Illinois: Illinois is like a piece of gum you step in, and it gets stuck to your shoe. You discover it when you sit down at a picnic table to drink a beer. At first you think you stepped in shit. But it doesn’t stink, it just attracts a bunch of dirt and leaves. You drink a beer and pick that piece of gum out of your shoe with a stick, until an hour later, it’s in pieces on the ground.

Rutgers: When Brad Banks was up for the Heisman, Mary and I traveled to New York City to support him. We couldn’t believe how much gum was stuck to the sidewalks in Manhattan. Why we decided to scrape that gum up and put it in the conference is beyond me.

Minnesota: When I was a kid I liked to spit a wad of gum into my ice water. I’d finish the water and put the gum back in my mouth and chew it. It’d be tough again, it’d have some spine to it…for a quarter or two. That’s Minnesota.

Michigan State: MSU is like one of those suckers with gum on the inside. You get about halfway through and feel it start to give. No depth. When you get the urge to bite in, wait. That sucker will crack eventually.

Ohio State: That’s a gum I don’t want a piece of. I respect Ohio State, I would never chew that. Like their AD once said, I hope that piece of gum don’t chew me.

Penn State: When I think of Penn State, I think of the gum I chewed on the sidelines of a 6-4 win in Happy Valley in 2004. At the end of the game, I swallowed it. Just shat that gum out yesterday. It takes a long time for me to digest beating Penn State.

Maryland: These folks are like when you blow a bubble and gum gets in your hair and you have to cut it out. You’ll look silly for a while, but it always grows back.

Purdue: I don’t think of gum when I think of Purdue. I think of metal. What would the world be like if we chewed metal instead of gum? Nobody would buy it. Purdue is a bankrupt company that tried to sell metal you can chew.

Northwestern: They’re that fruity zebra gum they had in the Nineties that I once caught Brian chewing. Embarrassing.

Indiana: Remember when Bill Lynch took out his gum and threw it into the stands at Michigan Stadium after getting gypped on an interception call? Imagine being the guy who got hit with that gum. That’s what it must be like to be an Indiana fan.

Wisconsin: That’s a good, consistent chew. And when you get to your office and find your Dallas Clark poster is coming off the wall, you use that gum to make it stick. A handy wad of gum, Wisconsin.

Iowa: Iowa? That’s like asking how your mouth tastes. What does life taste like? Iowa.

Go Hawkeyes.