Football begins today in what’s been referred to without sarcasm as the birthplace of college football: New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers.
Times have changed from the halcyon days when the Scarlet Knights sat at the forefront of college football. It’s become an embarrassment to lose to Rutgers, which won one Big Ten game last year, and lost to Ohio State and Michigan by a combined score of 136-0.
Fortunately, Jim Delany has a plan to make the Scarlet Knights relevant again — by combining the muscle of Big Ten fandom with the sheer mass of the New York City television audience. And it’s working!
If you, as a fan, ever fall victim to this slowly awakening giant, you may find yourself contemplating the ultimate sacrifice. Don’t do it!
However, if you must, weigh your options well, as not all New York City bridges equally deserve to be the last ground you touch. To help with your decision, we’ve weighed their pros and cons here.
6. Williamsburg Bridge: This bridge connects to Chinatown and the Lower East Side, and is fitted with numerous grates, fences, and other safety-minded accoutrement that make it damn near impossible to commit suicide. It’s almost as though someone has thought of this before. You should not have to work so hard to kill yourself, especially given how little your team must have worked to give up the W to the Scarlet Knights. Not to mention most of the people crossing this bridge, who will be observing you in your last moments, likely live in the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Williamsburg and Bushwick, meaning they are professionals at acting disaffected around genuine displays of emotion, and will probably just take pictures or videos of your death rather than attempt to stop you.
5. Tappan Zee Bridge: The Tappan Zee is a lovely bridge that spans the Hudson River at one of its widest points. While aesthetically pleasing and structurally sound, the Tappan Zee has a $4.75 toll, which is a useless and painful expenditure to suffer, especially as you contemplate paying the ultimate price. It’s like still having to pay for parking after you leave the stadium in which your team lost to Rutgers. If the Tappan Zee is your only option, try asking the person who takes your money if you can have half off.
4. George Washington Bridge: The concern of flinging yourself off of this bridge arises from its proximity to New Jersey. This bridge connects Upper Manhattan to Fort Lee, meaning that as you waver on the border of life and death, you might find yourself in the thick of a snarl of Rutgers fans celebrating their team’s victory the only way they know how: by laying on their horns in acoustically compact spaces. If you are going to die, wouldn’t it be better to die in peace?
3. Manhattan Bridge: This cheerful white-and-blue bridge is a favorite choice for Penn State fans, who preemptively lined up for several blocks in preparation to off themselves during Penn State’s close 13-10 win over Rutgers in 2014. That’s the trouble in general with this bridge: the line to commit suicide (for a variety of reasons) is too long. By the time it’s your turn to jump, it’s already the following week, and you have another game to look forward to. Then again, if your team lost to Rutgers, it is likely they will not beat anybody.
2. Queensboro Bridge: Unlike the Williamsburg Bridge, the Queensboro Bridge offers an easy-to-scale fence and great views of Roosevelt Island and the Midtown skyline that you can take in as you weigh oblivion versus the indignity of a life marked by a Rutgers loss. There’s even a gondola full of spectators that you can horrify by pretending your death was an accident!
1. Brooklyn Bridge: Still the unquestionable leader in staging suicides, the Brooklyn Bridge’s pedestrian walking/biking area, often an absolute fucking zoo, should be even worse on a Saturday afternoon after your team’s loss to Rutgers, as tourists take in the views from one of America’s architectural wonders. You’ll really be giving those tourists something to remember as you plunge to your death screaming the box score. And best of all, it’s free!