Kevin Wilson’s Big Ten Injury Report

WR Didi Amental (Penn State): Didi lost a finger in the woodchipper. He’s a wide receiver so it might affect playing time. But listen, the Lord gave you ten fingers. (Sometimes he even adds an eleventh, I’ve seen that happen with certain relatives of mine.) In fact, Didi might have eleven fingers, I don’t know. Didn’t coach him. Either way, he’s still got at least 90% of his fingers, and 90% of football is showing up with at least nine fingers. PROBABLE TO RETURN.

LB Ameer McIntosh (Northwestern): McIntosh has turf toe. I always get that mixed up with trench foot. Far as I’m concerned, the treatment’s the same: RUB SOME DIRT ON IT.

CB Avery Tompkins (Michigan): Tompkins fell off a roof painting for his summer job, and is in a full body cast. That reminds me of the time I had shingles. I was OC at Oklahoma, and it was right before the Red River Shootout. Man, did I itch. Haven’t felt an itch like that since my first foray into the strange. If I can coach through shingles, this kid Tompkins can play through a full-body cast. WILL RETURN.

RB Ben Tuttle (Maryland): Ben’s been diagnosed with chronic depression, and is retiring from football. One time I felt depressed. Turns out I’d been hit by a bus. When I came to, the damn thing was trying to back up over me for a second try. I rolled away just in time, largely unscathed. GOOD RIDDANCE.

DT LeRon Donahue (Minnesota): Inside Gopher Sports is reporting that LeRon has a broken leg. Listen, those people are Communists, as is most of the media. My guess is Donahue has a bruised shinbone and a yeast infection. DAB SOME VAGISIL ON IT, GREG.

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