Former Huskers head coach Bo Pelini is marching on Lincoln to seize the vacant Nebraska AD position following the removal of Shawn Eichorst, sources say.
Having received word that Eichorst had been fired from a cannon into plains unknown, Pelini is said to have quickly dispatched a squad of Blackshirts to march on Lincoln from the East.
Meanwhile, Carl Pelini is reportedly closing in on Lincoln from the South with reinforcements from Florida, while a sizable contingent of Pelini loyalists led by Reserve General Bob Stoops are moving to surround campus from the West.
It is believed that defenses set up by Mike Riley have been routed at key outposts: at Sioux City, Norfolk, and Beatrice; and that pro-Riley supporters are being butchered in the streets in Omaha.
Riley has offered unconditional surrender after receiving word that his last defensive regiments had been cut off and were now wandering the hillside in Dekalb, waiting for air support from General Tanner Lee that was not forthcoming.
Elsewhere, rumors of a failed coup staged by Bob Diaco have gone unsubstantiated, as has an early report that a “delirious” Diaco barricaded himself in his office with an automatic pistol, believing he’d heard that Brian Kelly, not Bo Pelini, was marching on Lincoln.
Around 3PM yesterday, interstate scouts confirmed that a caravan containing Pelini and several of his coordinators drew to a stop outside Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis. In a gesture of intimidation, Pelini’s Blackshirts shattered Lucas Oil’s iconic windows and looted concession stands for supplies before setting fire to the structure.
Reports are that after observing Illinois’s status as a bye-week noncombatant, Pelini’s forces passed through Champaign, IL, without engagement before razing Normal, IL, and announcing plans to sack Ames, IA.
The city of Lincoln is divided over news of Pelini’s blitz. Some are encouraged by Pelini’s brash pronouncement that “nine wins this year are still possible,” and have embraced “Uncle Bo” Pelini as “my uncle and yours.”
Others fear that Pelini will ruthlessly purge offensive elements from the program, especially after a tape was discovered on which Pelini is said to identify offensive coordinator Danny Langsdorf as “the first motherf***** I plan to string up now that Eichorst’s gone.”
In the absence of current leadership, many Lincolnites are concerned that the city will descend into absolute chaos unless Pelini seizes power.
It also remains unclear whether Mr. Pelini intends to take over coaching responsibilities for the Huskers’ embattled program, or if he has larger intentions.
Pelini, who went 67-27 overall as head coach at Nebraska, left the university under a cloud. His embattled relationship with the departed Eichorst reached a peak after comments Pelini made denigrating the Nebraska AD were caught on tape.
Federal authorities raided a small cell of Tim Beckman loyalists outside Effingham in an unrelated incident.
**UPDATE**: 11:42 AM: Mike Riley has completed his escape due north, crossing the border into Manitoba and establishing an outpost in Winnipeg, where he still enjoys support from fans of the Blue Bombers.