Box Scores to Believe In: The Fake Punt Reviews Weak One of College Football

The morning after a college football Saturday can be a depressing affair as your body processes the booze, blow, and highs and lows of gameday. To smooth out these doldrums, we like to share our favorite stats, facts, and final scores from around the country.

Here are the games that gave us reason to believe in a college football world that is just.

Ira Klement: Loving this Howard/UNLV win for the Bison, the biggest point-spread victory in history thanks to some lazy folks who chose not to handicap the Michigan-App State game ten years ago. I am the biggest fan of UNLV football for theoretically usurping Michigan by losing to a 45-point underdog at home in Howard coach Mike London’s first game. Cam Newton’s little brother, Caylin, led the Bison to a 43-40 upset that you know alumnus Ta-Nehisi Coates was considering tweeting about, probably with a clever pun like “Between HU & UNLV,” before deciding against it with the airy thought that football is a sport for brutes and plebes.

Petya Lunt: Classic Ira. Ignoring the huge news out of the B1G in favor of some obscure hipster gambling pick. It’s like you weren’t even watching BTN around midnight to see the end of Arkansas State and Nebraska. There’s nothing quite like watching a defense say, “You can get 415 yards passing, but there’s no way in hell we’re giving up 425.” It’s positively spine-tingling. I’ll be interested to see whether White Shirts defense can handle Oregon next week.

Biff Bluff: Is there a more dislikable team in the country right now than Baylor? A junky Big XII afterthought that got good for the first time ever and exploded in a spectacular rape scandal, all while being a deeply Christian institution presided over by Ken Starr, lost to reformed FCS Liberty University in the first game ever played in a megachurch. The best part is, Baylor had to pay Liberty $500,000 to come beat ‘em (and still owe Joel Osteen another 3 mil for services rendered). Curb your pity for these losers of the Pious Hypocrites Bowl, and for Matt Rhule, a gruesome fatality in the lineup of newly minted Big XII coaches.

Ira: Speaking of, how ‘bout that 51-41 win for the Terrapins on the road to spoil Tom Herman’s debut at Texas? It is not easy being the blog that dares to dream about a Maryland win in that game. But in this safe space, free of the onslaught of Longhorn love peddled by the Fake News, it was easier to catch the whiff of steer shit still stuck behind the ears and under the fingernails of Texas football. Maryland, you are now free to go 5-7 and declare the season a victory.

Petya: While we’re putting in plugs, I’d also like to mention James Madison’s casual 34-14 thumping of FBS-ish opponent East Carolina. Aggressively ignored by the Powers That (F)Be(S), The Jimmies won their 13th straight and punished ECU for 400+ rushing on only 44 carries. I believe in the Jimmies….until they meet the Bison.

Biff: I would have believed in a 33-3 Mich/Florida box score, but…

Petya: While we’re on the topic of relying on defensive units, how ‘bout them Boilermakers? That defense was firing like an old-school internal combustion engine. In almost any game last year, that would have been one of Lamar Jackson’s most disappointing performances. Forcing three (yes, three) fumbles on the goal line kept the ‘due boys in it. And for each time I said, “Why was Sindelar even out there?” I was met with a future version of myself saying, ‘Why was Blough even out there?” And I swear I heard one of the Fox announcers say, “Anthrop bringing the anthrax.” Either way, we seem to have a legitimate QB controversy and an even more legitimate Purdue team. Imagine if they’d never hired Hazell…

Brook Bikelyn: Hello? RUTGERS held Jake Browning and Washington to 23 points TOTAL a year after giving up 24 points in the first quarter…which is LITERALLY all I watched of the 2016 game before my fucking WIFI went out. WTF, Office of Student Affairs?

Ira: In this conference of so many haven’ts, it has become enough of an accomplishment to lose close — which is more than Indiana football can say. Rutgers has done that, and I applaud them.

Brook: Um, WHAT? LOL.

Biff: Erma, what’s your takeaway from the weekend?

Erma Gerd: Lemme tell ya, I’m just glad the Gophers and the Johnnies don’t play this season. I spent my Saturday in Collegeville watching St. John’s put a hurtin’ on ol’ St. Scholastica 98-0, and it wasn’t even that close!

A capacity crowd views an historic win.

The Johnnies scored their 98th point with 10 minutes to play, but they’re classy boys up there and so they didn’t wanna embarrass the Schollies — not with a nun in attendance and everything. Besides, if St. John’s had kicked a field goal, the 43-year-old scoreboard woulda reset and the Johnnies only woulda won 1-0!

Biff: A 1-0 win. I never coulda believed in a box score like that.